60 seconds of heartbreak

See there the post title . So clearly this is the worst night ever somehow :'( Wipe the tears away it doesnt matter . I prepared everything , I wanted so much to talk to you but then as usual part of me just didnt have the guts to spill any words at all . So close yet so far that's the word to explain . Couldnt even start any conversation for 2 long hours . Packed my things and I seriously wanted to give you the present I spent weeks and weeks talking bout it to Hajar but you know what you didnt even looked at me for one second . Minus that part , you didnt even wait oh yeah wait who am I , again . I didnt even exist I think for that moment . I shouted your name it didnt came out somehow it stucked because I've never been the best with my mouth try to say smart but the dumb comes out . Know what even hurts - watching your back and you're not looking back . But I did and you didnt so there goes the shit pouring out . Two words I'm sorry . I said that a lot and keep saying it till now but here we are in two different dimensions different situations to handle with different feelings . If this is how it's gonna be , maybe I am wrong . Maybe we should stay this way . Maybe things went wrong . Maybe fate wasnt on our side . Maybe I wasnt that important . At all . I think . So . Yeah cut deeper . I wouldnt mind and you dont care . One thing left is Happy Birthday . I couldnt even say it up front nor call cause that would take a lot of courage and I dont have that now . Hope you'll be reading this if somehow I came across your mind . Godblessyou 

Hello there . Mmmhm it feels awkward . Damn awkward . If you'll excuse me for a second *runninglikeamadgirlaroundtheroom* . Done I think , whatever it is I'm here for one reason , I havent written anything for so long like seriously a really really long time and this blog is somehow full of dusty :p I'll clean it up as soon as possible after SPM inshaAllah . Oh yeah again SPM didnt I tell the part I'm taking this biggy scary superb thingy where you could go nuts by just thinking about it . 

This is it . I , Siti Mariam binti Ibrahim could not believe that I'm just exactly a month away from Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia . At this exact moment , eleven years ago I was still there in my bed hardly waking up for school :'( This is just too sad to continue . I'm gonna finish high school exactly on 28 December 2012 right after account's test . Not quite sure if I should be happy or sad about it at the same time cause school was everything to me , I mean dont get me wrong I spent most of my favourite time with my friends there although it was bittersweet sometimes . All of those memories name it I still remember every part . I wish we would never parted but this is a journey we all have to take , bumpy roads I tell you but it was all worth it every moment and second of it .

Haih why lehhh so hard at times :/ Anyway lets dance for passing trials with not so flying colours *screaming and drum rolling* yabedabeduu Well it wasnt that bad , thaaaaat bad I think so . I managed to get what I wanted but still its a long waaaay to go and my expectations just blergh out of track. Minus the part where I spent 5 to 10 minutes on every paper looking out the window and staring at whiteboard thinking why and where would I be if I didnt end up taking this path I am right now #sigh . I'm glad I truly am but there's a little girl in here just wanting to get out of this mess , I thought I wasnt gonna score for trials but then Allah proved me wrong somehow it turned out quite interesting . 7 mix A's and the other 3 is the subject where I just have to work a lot more since I totally blacked out and running out of time as usual . God help me please I have to finish everything up a lil bit faster since I got so many topics to master with so little time , there's a lot to think with just one brain right dear brainy . Should start now but this ass aint gonna move any further than this bed to the book shelves so if you'll excuse me I shall write again if there's enough time which I dont think I have cause I'll be spending every bits of it sleeping . zzZZZ peace upon you people of Earth . 

Much love , M  

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ultimate Sunday

It has been ages and a really really really long time since I log in to blogger . Swear to God I miss everything . I missed the moments when I really loved writing . The times when I dont even have to think to write about everything that's happening around me nor the times I spent with my loved ones . Something inside just fade . I know I shouldnt say this cause I should be greatful for what ever happens in life and I'm happy the way it is . Guess there's just a part of me telling myself I should stop . Stop thinking . Stop having this playback memory that kills me inside whenever I rewind . Stop overthinking . Stop imagining . Stop thinking what if's . Stop and stop and stop . Someone please create a time machine I beg you . Maybe I just miss the days or am I the only one #sigh

I love to bottle everything up to myself and pray that someone someday will just break my secrets inside by looking at me . Till the day I meet someone like that I'm gonna keep it to myself because sometimes there's just stuff better left unspoken . I hate explaining things . I hate answering . And that's me . No matter how much I want to pour out everything inside my heart about all the things I'm going through , all the struggles I'm handling , all the criticism , all the ifs and wishes that's going through my brain , I just stop and I realized something , realized that rather than sharing my thoughts I should just refrain myself from doing so . That feeling that effing insecure feeling that I have , I couldnt handle that . I'm just afraid I think , afraid of what others may think . 

Those day where I end up crying because I feel like I couldnt turn to anybody and those times where I choose not to depend on anybody else , I actually learn something from it ; I've learn to be independent . 

a girl , virgo , 95's and Proud 

M

Assalamualaikum . Hi there . Oh knock knock nobody's there . Went to Persada with Ida today with bus . Yeahmannn totally awkward but worth trying *proud face . The bus stopped in the middle of yeah donno where and we walked like miles *exaggerate lebih muka troll . Walked to Puteri Pacific and met Nazmi . Head towards Persada and there's too many . I cant breathe . Seriously I dont like crowds . Eyes pointed to the exit door as usual . Head down to KFC yeah once again C.R.O.W.D.S. Manage to find my way out of there . Hungry and went to City Square . Saw Marrybrown and eat nasi lemak there . Ida got a phone call and went straight back to Pontian with her friends . Its okayyy Ida me lapchu . Then me and Nazmi left together , went to MPH . Called Wan and she said she's coming after Zohor prayer with Aina . They arrived and Nazmi went back home . Sorry Nazmi , and thanks too for accompanying me to the pameran . Went straight up to the cinema and bought the tickets for 6 . Hunger Games at 4pm . We're hungry and and went to Nando's yippie . Then we went to Cotton On . Saw some seniors and start some conversations . Saw someone . At 4 the movie started , I dont understand a thing at first but then Aina cried when Rue diied *seriously sedih no doubt . The movie is about sacrificing for your loved ones mostly and competition to live and death and young love and handsome Gale lol . ratings : 8/10 The movie finished around 6.20pm and then took a cab and went home with Aina and Wan cause they both wanna go to Physic's tuition . Im happy with you girls around so Thankyou Gallies for today wovee you buddies muah <3 

I know . Its 2 am in the morning . Im not sleeping yet . Just finished skype-ing with Hajar a.k.a My annoying loving second sister *well you cant pick your family member * which I missed a lot . We talked about vaass happeninn around y'all , vaas the new gossip in Malaysia currently and at home mostly bout our family . And not to forget about her saddest part of all , I'm giving her a real good advice though or did I laughed about it the whole time you're talking . Man I'm a real bad sistahhhh . Nahhh I'm so not (Y) # Ithinkso HAHA well people make mistakes and they tend to regret about it after awhile . But dont be , a decision has been made . What's done is done . No need to replay it back in your memory or wishing it so badly or thinking about what you could have done if you did this or did that and everything . The fact is that - we're HUMAN . That is what we do . One mistake isnt that bad plus you can always learn from it *that's what Daddy always teach us remember . "Turn over a new leaf" , Boy I've heard those words before and its HUNTING me . I just want you to know sistah , I'll always be there beside you to , you know LAUGH about the mistakes you've done but the truth is I'll back you up no matter what . The thing you're regretting is well lemme say it He's the one who should move on . Second thing is you have US . Ya know me *ehemehem angkat kening and your girlsss . So get up get up get out of the mess yo . Me lapchu always . 

xoxo ,

le M

WARNINGGG !

Stop Scrolling and Pushing Your Down Button . Yeah I know it is scary .

But I'm reminding you again this is MY territory . 

In case anything happens to you e.g ---> Heart attack , High Blood pressure , Mental disorder , Excessive weight loss and Loss in appetite for food about a couple of hours or more . 

Hey . Dont blame me ladies . Whatever happens next is not under my responsibility .

Make a wise decision . Oh yeah one more thing before I'm going numb , I'm just gonna make it pretty obvious and clear that down there is a MAJOR thing . and Sorry to dissapoint you BUT He's currently under my rules and regulations to put it in a simple words ---> He's mine 

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Prepare yourself for the Awsome man of mine 

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Please hold on to your breath ,

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Hereeee Weeeee Gooooo .

Tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !

Okay I know this sounds crazy , but I think I am crazy AND in desperate need of help for this amazing cuteness . Arghhhhhh diediediediediedie mannn why you have to be so danggggg cute .Geez man stop pokinggg the screen AND stop putting your hand at your cheek like a cute adorable pretty baby please . Haihhh le me got to go and have a serious serious seriously a good night sleep . Stop Dreaming and Boom Reality Knocks . Hope so . Maybe . Tomorrow? Who knows . Yeah bye upsiee Assalamualaikum wbt 

XoxoXoxo, 

M & Liam 

Honestly and the truth is , I dont want someone that see's the good thing about me . I just need someone that see's the bad and still wants me . And I wont think twice about that fact . 

xXx , M

Praise be to Allah :') Assalamualaikum

It has been ages , I know . I've been keeping my distance quite far this past few months . So , yeah I deactivated my facebook account and for some reason I privated my blog . I'm trying my best to go far past my addictiveness and start a new hobby which is - Reading . Troll face please and a huge round of applause to me cause I dont read school's book that much . Trust me I only read comics :P and true story .

Uhm so what's next is school life . Pretty much hectic . I have Wan as my deskmate and Fatin plus Aneesa at front . Amira and Aqilah at my left . At Wan's right  is Piqa and Yati next to her , In front is Mahsuri and Nadhirah. 3Suara behind me and exactly beside them is 3beradik Azri Ibrahim and Azizul . Tell me again why exactly I wrote all of this. My phalanges is about to break so stop . I'm sorry for those yg tak ada dalam list I still freakinggg love my classmates all of the 5STA'ians except bushes maybe *keningkening but they're totally funny with their own attitudes . Still they're the best <3 

Uhm so next is life at home . Pretty much boring . The only child left at home is me and I'm quite happy . Cause you know uhm yeah not a clue . Im just happy being alone I guess . I can talk directly , screaming dancing singing is my part time job dkt rumah . Life is uhm ordinary :] Alhamdulillah . Le dad and mom oso okay with me being laike dat y u know cos le them lapss me beryy much . Pelat pun bolehhhh :3

Uhm so next is life for now . Currently I'm having this you know what people call it - noseee running . sore throat , cold hands and feet , to sum it all UP I have a fever . YEAHMAN (Y) in the middle of my awsome holiday for a week . Whyyyy now :'( whyyyy againn whyyyy . Nevermind , I'll be alright by tomorrow or not I wish . I'm at Muar and tomorrow baru gerak Kualalala Lumpur I guess whatever it is my parents are planning I'll go along . 

Oh and one more thing , Wannnnnn aku rindu kau . HAHAHAHA gila psycho . Thanks babe for these past few months , for being my deskmate , my oral mate , my mate and colgate tak ada kena mengena . And I miss my Pelamos Amos too . Trust me I'm not changing a bit , maybe some parts of me just realized that somehow I'm no longer needed or am I being too sensitive Muehehe I am okay I think or not . Nananana I love my LiLo - Liam and Louis . Toodles poodles earthlings , Assalamualaikum have a blast weekend :)

xoxo ,

M -..- with nose

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I was never normal . I am always the weirdest one . Yet I accept the fact that I too have flaws . So now what I'm gonna do is sit there and think . Who am I to judge you and the way you act . The time begins now and whatever happens next I have my own reason . I'm not blaming anyone I'm just being me and I mean it this time there's no turning back , I'm sorry thats all .

xoxo ,

M

Assalamualaikum . Its me writing again . Just got back from Kualalala Lumpur . Bored . Nothing much happened. I ate a lot sumpah hari hari chicken HAHA imagine mcm mana tak gemuk right haihhh . Anyway we send Eka to her practical place in Klang - checked . Hantar farouq - checked . Jumpa Mak Noi - checked . Hang around with my parents - double checked . See how I much I missed my besties :'( I'm stuck in the car for 5 hours with cramped legs and pain in the ass haha I mean I got headache as always . Nevermind its temporary inshaAllah Allah will be there always. I signed in to facebook just now and I saw this , it touched my heart . Wanna see how much it impact me ------> read this . To my beloved best friends , classmates , girlfriends and schoolmates .

Dengan nama Allah Yg Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang

Ya Allah , Panjangkanlah umur sahabatku. Kurniakanlah kesihatan yang baik padanya , terangi hatinya dengan nur pancaran iman. Tetapkanlah hatinya , perluaskanlah rezekinya , dekatkanlah hatinya kepada kebaikan , jauhkanlah hatinya pada kejahatan, tunaikanlah hajatnya baik hajat dalam agama , dunia dan akhirat .

Ya Muhaimin , Jika dia jatuh hati izinkanlah dia menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya tertaut pada-Mu agar tidak terjatuh dia dalam jurang cinta nafsu  , Jagalah hatinya agar tidak berpaling daripada melabuhkan hatinya pada hati-Mu. Jika dia rindu , rindukanlah dia pada seseorang yang merindui syahid di jalan-Mu.

Ya Allah , Jangan biarkan sahabatku tertatih dan terjatuh dalam perjalanan panjang menyeru manusia kejalan-Mu , jika kau halalkan aku merindui sahabatku , janganlah aku melampaui batas sehingga melupakan daku pada cinta hakiki , rindu abadi dan kasih sejati hanya untuk-Mu.

Ya Allah , kurniakanlah sahabatku kesenangan , ketenangan , kecemerlangan dan hidayah dari-Mu dalam menempuh cabaran serta liku-liku hidup di dunia dan di akhirat kelak .  inshaAllah 

I know I didnt wrote this du'a but I pray for them in my own ways for sure . I want the best for you guys as much as I loved them . And ustazah did say something to me , tak kan nak masuk syurga sorang sorang kan bagus kalau ada kawan . Plus a friend du'a is among the best and will be granted inshaAllah God knows . I hope this year 2012 will bring us peace and prosperity . When I said I'll be there I keep my promise so I'll stay beside them whenever they want me to and I'll go if they ask me to . I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone , any heart feelings , words unspoken , hatred , jealousy , my attitude and my flaws definitely . I'm sorry for being me and I cant blame anyone . Never in my heart to hurt the people around me, I tried my very best till now to please everyone to make them feel comfortable to make sure they're happy and I hope you guys are . So there it goes , please accept my apology if you ever come across reading this by accident . 

Goodnight universe may Allah bless you . Alhamdulillah :')

Much love , M

I miss them so much :/ No words could describe how we loved each other #cehh but its nothing but the truth :') I missed how we used to laugh over something we did accidentally . I missed the way we made bad jokes to each other . I missed the way we gathered all around us , taking care for each other , cooking together in the kitchen , fighting over PS2 game or watching tv , playing badminton and family match , the way we walked to Pasar Malam and it's amazing to know that I have them all this while - La Familia . Even though many things happened these past few years yet we still here standing strong , all for one and one for all inshaAllah even Abang Farhan and Tokmak is not here with us - they will always be remembered in our hearts and prayers . Ya Allah please give us your blessings and keep us all together as a family till Jannah , I would never want to replace any of them with anyone in this world , I love you guyssss  <3

Introducing the Abu Bakar's and Halijah's family - not yet a complete family cause Acu is missing in action :P

xoxo ,

M with family

Alhamdulillah time passed by too quick , yet so far everything is turning out pretty well :') My relationship with Allah family and friends so far still in a good position . I'm not isolating myself from people and definitely it turns out not that bad I think . Among everything 2012 is the best year for now and I hope it stays the same throughout the year so that I'll be able to write about it at the end and a new beginning in 2013 inshaAllah . 

I've accepted my imperfections , reconstructing myself over again , use my weakness against me and now I'm proud to say I'm not the girl who I thought I was years ago . Everytime I fall and things just happened the way it wasnt supposed to be I'll hear my own heartbeat - I have a purpose in life . Eventhough I dont know which road I'm gonna take I'm sure everything will turn out well , things just work out somehow they have to . I'm not gonna run away anymore from any problem , I'll face whatever it is with open arms . 

Thankyou Allah for making me believe in myself once again though I've been lost within myself yet you still there to guide me . Dad and Mom you both were meant to be together and you guys are the best thing ever happen to me despite all my shit-ness you're my backbone through it all :') Bestfriends girlfriends and schoolmates you'll always be remembered , no one can take you guys place each and every one of you . Knowing my annoying-ness gedik-ness and overdose drama Queen above all that thanks for treating me in public like I'm a normal one \m/ Fyi I'm crazy and I know it :P 

This one is specially dedicated to secretcode - Puding , Thankyou to beyond and infinity to stand and not feeling embarass for whatever I'm doing and to accept my flaws for who I am . Whatever will be in the future let Allah decides whats best for us or everyone and in the mean time stay awsome :) I'm proud to say life is starting to get better each day Alhamdulillah , may Allah bless us toodles . 

xoxo , 

M now and forever

Hey Assalamualaikum , a lot of great things happened today justttt before school tomorrow :') me my dad and my mom went out and eat dinner together just the three of us . muahaha HEAVEN lol you dont know what it's like to be the only child at home imagine when you have 4 siblings that's too suitable to compare for . Gee sorry for being born :P I mean I love my parents so much I know they wanted me to be just like them but Oh my , I cant keep up . Sorry but not that I'm giving up its just that uhm I dont know I'll try . Let the time decide whats best for me . Anyway school's gonna start TOMORROW heck yeah 4th Jan :/ sobs but definitely I'm gonna walk within the crowd like the picture up there -------> TOTALLY so watch me :P Got to pack things up tonight , haihhhhh laziness just conquer my whole body toodles . May your tomorrow come with blessings and full of awsomeness , me too I guess Ameen

xoxo ,

Mmemalasssss

road gets tough

I'm not sleeping yet I know . The time seems to freeze somehow and I cant go to bed like asdfghjk how many times I've tried . Its 1.05 am 3rd of January in 2012 #AWSOME . So yeah I'm bored , just imagine me writing all these stuff *lame* LOL cause I'm super bored . Regardless of all I got to say this to myself and to others who might actually read this accidentally or whatever it is you're doing in my page somehow . Since I'm gonna begin my Form 5 life as a Senior #hardcore tomorrow 4th of January somehow I can feel it in my bones that things are not gonna come easy. 

The road I'm pretty sure its gonna be bumpy and full of surprises but there is always something you can hold onto like in a car you can always grab the passenger's handrail , the same thing in life you just have to practic it . Believe in yourself , do not mind what others are negatively thinking about you or judgying you . Keep your hopes up and less worry in expectations . Catch your dream and dream big , Put your all not one hundred percent but two hundred percent . Believe the unbelievable . Possible the impossible and Never ever ever ever take NO for an answer . Risk your life , take chances , love the people who love you . Change yourself before you start changing the world these is what my Dad always told me . Iloveyoualwayspa eventho I didnt say it that much I always have and always will deep down .

Dear Allah the Most Merciful , all I'm hoping for 2012 is for it to just be better not perfect , much nicer and a lot of sweet memories for us 95's . Not much and nothing else . Thats All InshaAllah . Please just please :')

Sometimes what we all need is a Quran in our hand , tears in our eyes and Allah in our heart . One for all and All for one . Throw your heart and the rest of you will fall - Get what I mean ? Have a nice day Assalamualaikum

xoxo ,

Sleepy M 

New Year's Eve

Hey Assalamualaikum , Guess what Its 2012 already #Tearsofjoyandsadness . A year passed by and time flies too quick isnt it , I've been reconstructing myself a lot lately , Checking everything from bottom to top and Now I need to make some changes .

Things I'm Very Good at or Super Good at :

1 . not studying

2 . not replying texts or answering calls

3 . getting my hopes up and down all of a sudden

4 . sleeping and mostly eating food *totallygoodat

5 . pissing people off like eff off *yeahman

6 . pushing people away

7 . being anti social 

And there it goes . Boomed . Now what I wanna do for my New Year Resolution is I'm gonna make it true and keep my word . At least I hope so #believeisntthathard .

2012 New Hope . New Beginning . New Friends . New Personality and Attitude . 
1 . Focus in class even harder
2 . Struggle from beginning not at the last moment
3 . Smile even more and no crying over stupid things definitely . Gotta be strong :')
4 . Less talk more actions and stop eating gotta be thin this year LOL
5 . Less Koreans stuff and not being addictive
6 . Try to fast every Monday and Friday
7 . Work harder No stress and Tawakkal cause Allah knows the best .

Sincerely - me . Wishing you All the best in life and may The New Year brings us happiness , peace , genuinely lots of caring people , lessons , wisdom and health in the future InshaAllah with barakkah :')

xoxo ,

M 2012

Everything on the list - Checked .

I'm having a major breakdown as if nothing makes sense so if you ask me how I'm doing , I would say I'm doing just fine . I would lie and say nothing is on my mind . But when I go out and I sit down and I saw people smiling all around Finally I was force to face the truth . No matter what I say I still couldnt think of any possible way . I can say that my last day of 2011 is magnificent yet again I'm lying . Guess a girl like me have a weak point too . 

Peace be upon us :) Today is Saturday as we all know its the last day of 2011 and the last day I'll cheerish forever . To be honest seriously I'm not a fan of 2011 and If I really could I would turn back those times I wanna be child again I wanna break things even more , laugh all over stupid things , go on a journey everyday , smile eventhough it hurts , I dont wanna hold back any tears and definitely no more regrets . Thats what I wanna do but life doesnt go backwards it keeps on moving forward so what I have to do now is forget the past and see the future . 2012 is gonna be the year I promise this , the year where I wont cry over silly things smile whenever I feel like and laugh like nothing is gonna stop me . I hereby declare myself officially to a Challenging New Year of course its gonna be Happy but we know happy doesnt always drop by it's not gonna be around us all the time . I wont asure you that is gonna be sweet but the journey is worth a thousand miles when you look back .

I know a lot of people have been expecting this New Year 2012 hoping that life would change , but to me its just a new beginning nothing to be brag about . Everyday is just the same , date and time is just a number as a matter of fact 01/01/12 do teach me something that you are given a chance to live your life but remember this always , Just because a day doesnt start out good enough doesnt mean it's going to end up bad - anonymous. Feel that heartbeat in your chest ? It's called purpose . You live for a reason and dont leave without one . Thats it I'm writing too much as I was just taking a break from doing my tons of homework #sigh . I'll be back when my desk is clean *pinkypromise but I dont thinks its gonna be shiny enough :P Ah-haa I almost forgot all those thing my parents said to me , and this is just something I wont let it slip out of my mind and to be share . Have a blast last Saturday :')

 " Do not hope for a New Year to change yourself , If you want to you would have done it few years ago " ♥ Mommy

xoxo ,

NewYear M